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Archbishop Tavalisk
Cooking With Tavalisk
Now, I don't know (nor particularly care) about your opinion, but here seems as good a place as any to step back from the mundanities of cooking and impart some of my vast storage-house of knowledge. Like all great men I have philosophical and moral codes that I live by, and I have chosen to honor you with a few of them.
Guard your ham hocks at all times
Tis better to eat than to cook
Never let a day go by without bringing a little     pain to someone's life
Never whistle with blancmange in your mouth
Avoid soup in the basket
When in doubt: eat
Two courses never a full meal make
Never eat between eels
You may desert all your friends but never leave     your friend with your dessert
You don't have to be pregnant to eat for two
Never milk a bull
A friend in need is irritating at dinner
Tavalisk Cooking Tip #3
When attending a wine-tasting, always pay special attention to where you spit. If there is no one around, hold it in until someone walks by. Why waste a nice gob-full of acidic saliva on the floor?
Well that's enough of that! All this thinking has made me hungry. Someone pass me the cheese and crackers. Ah...that's better. Now, where was I? Yes, now before we move on to the next recipe, a quick word about fruit and vegetables. The only good fruit is one that is garnishing a large piece of red meat. The only good vegetable is an artichoke (anything named after a violent gripping action to the throat can't be all bad).
Pot Lobster
The Lobster
Now, this recipe can be a little tricky, my sweetmeats. The first thing we need to concern ourselves with is the water in the pot. Is it hot enough to set your cat's hair on end? Is the water at a sufficient level to submerge the lobster completely? Does it have several floating objects to provide variety to the eye and to give the lobster something to thrash against? If you can answer yes to these questions, you are ready to proceed with the dunking.
Obviously, your Gamil will do all the mundane work for you. Once you have thrown the lobster in the pot (preferably from a distance in order to splash hot water on others but not on oneself) all you have to do is sit back and wait.
Well that's all for now, my little sweet-meats. Go forth; cook, eat, practice all I have taught you, and never pass up the chance to be mean to your food. Bon Appetite!
1 Good pot
1 Bad lobster
1 Saucy red wine
2 Pints of lobster bisque
6 Asparagus spears
1 Sharp metal spear to ensure the speedy execution of one's orders
1 Reluctant cat to aid in preliminary water temperature determination*
Red pepper
White pepper
Pickled peppers
*Please note: The wise chef will have two cats on hand.
Tavalisk Cooking Tip #4
You will, of course, be familiar with the concept of gardeners talking to their plants. I advocate following the same procedure with food. Talk to your food. Lull your lobster into a false sense of security before dunking the little devil into the pot.
WARNING: Please do not attempt any of these recipes at home. Tavalisk is a fictional character and his cooking techniques are dubious to say the least :)
Chapter I
Chapter II
Reader's Comments
Cooking with Tavalisk
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What The Readers Say:
"I just finished reading The Baker's Boy and I have to say that it is one of the best fantasy novel I have ever read. I especially enjoyed the little scenes with Bodger and Grift. I can't wait to read the next part and see what happens to Tawl and Jack. I also hope that Tavalisk and Baralis get what they deserve and that would be a nice painful death."
What The Readers Say:
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