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Archbishop Tavalisk
Hello, my little sweetmeats, welcome to cooking with me. No need to keep bowing after the first couple of times. Simply kneel on one knee and do not forget to address me at all times as "Your Eminence."
Now, back to cooking. As you may or may not know, I have a great fondness for the finer things in life. Some have called me a gourmand and they are, of course, quite right. Knowing all I do about the culinary arts I have decided it would be a great service to the world if I passed on some small portion of my knowledge for posterity. I have found no one willing to disagree with this assertion and have therefore judged it sound.
The cooking found herein is not for fancy French chefs or people called Wolfgang in Bel Air, it is for men and women with spirit and gusto, who aren't afraid to kill a few things in the process. Remember, my little sweetmeats, most of what you eat is dead.
Moving swiftly along. First and foremost you will need an assistant to help with the mundane chores like measuring, boiling, chopping and garnishing. In order to avoid confusion, I will, hereafter, be referring to your assistant chef as "your Gamil." For example: "Order your Gamil to pull the snails from their shells." Have you got that? Good. It is important never to lose sight of the fact that you are a culinary leader and your job is to lead, not cook.
As in all tasks worthy of doing well, I urge you to put your best foot forward at all times. Do not hesitate to punish your Gamil, throw a temper tantrum or goad your cat. Genius like ours demands certain physical outlets. We deserve it.
Tavalisk Cooking Tip #1
When in doubt as to whether your meat is spoiled or not: feed it to your cat first and then wait for two hours. If after the given period of time the cat still lives then the meat is suitable for human consumption.
Shrimp On A Skewer!
A Shrimp
Now, my little sweetmeats, our job here isn't to cook as much as it is to supervise. Special attention must be paid to the ten extra sharp skewers. Are they really extra sharp? If pressed against your Gamil's forearm, do they draw blood? These are the tough questions that we as culinary leaders must ask ourselves. Would it help if the skewers were blisteringly hot as well as sharp? Would olive oil improve ease of skewer penetration? See how difficult my job is? Hmph! And you thought all I did all day was lounge around on my well cushioned couch doing nothing but eat.
Never forget that the key to good cooking is in the details. Have the volatile oils in the garlic caused someone to cry during its preparation? Are the shrimp lucid? Is the wine sour? And, most importantly of all, can you honestly say you have done all you possibly can to facilitate the cooking process?
Remember, as in art, one must suffer for one's work. Well, my personal maxim is that everyone should suffer except me, and if I do say so myself, those are words to live by.
30 Large & lively shrimp
10 Extra-sharp skewers
3-4 Tablespoons of olive oil
1 Thigh-crushed garlic clove
1 Glass of white wine
1 teaspoon of thyme
Salt & pepper to taste
1 Gamil to do all the work for you
1 Well-strung Lyre to play while you're waiting for the shrimp to cook
Under no circumstances must you add any broccoli to this recipe!
Tavalisk Cooking Tip #2
The best way to test how fresh one's asparagus spears are is to poke one of one's underlings in the eye with it. If the underling in question feels pain then one can safely conclude that the asparagus is indeed fresh.
Next Page
More Culinary Wisdom:
Now you must proceed to the next page (this is compulsory) to learn something of my philosophical approach to life. Of course, pressing a melon is always worthwhile.
Chapter I
Chapter II
Reader's Comments
Cooking with Tavalisk
More From Tavalisk
Where's Melli
Where's Melli Update
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What The Readers Say:
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