Greetings fine Sirs and Ladies. Bodger here. Now as it's Spring and the wenching season approacheth, I thought I'd better pen a quick missive about preparing for the joys of April, May, June, July (and if you're really lucky August as well!). Now, my good friend and drinking partner Grift informs me that information is best imparted in a "numerically tabularized catalog". Now knowing what that means I decided to write a list instead.
1. Stock up on beer. With that there Millennium-thingy approaching beer's going to be at a premium by year's end. Think smart: buy now, sit on it for six months (not literally, of course, or else it'll get all hot and sweaty like those foul English brews!) and then come New Year you'll be able to throw one darn, Shakespearian toe bash.
2. Stock up on more beer. Or else what are we going to drink while we wait for the New Year? (details, details!).
3. If you're a man: have your yearly wash. If you're a wench: have your bi-yearly wash. Yes, this may sound drastic, but when the bees get to buzzing, and the fleas start a'biting, the old bod begins a'humming right along. To aid those adverse to the whole idea of washing (like Grift and myself) might I suggest a beer shampoo followed by an all-over alcohol rub.
4. Find someone willing to give you an all-over alcohol rub.
5. Check your transport for tics. With wenching season approaching, you'll be needing to go calling on members of the opposite sex, therefore your horse must be in good working order (nothing impresses a wench better than a finely turned out gelding).
6. Plant some bulbs. Grift informs me that this one works especially well with the Dutch wenches: not only do they think you're a sensitive-gardening type, but they also get to admire your posterior as you bend and hoe and rake.
7. Crochet yourself a new dress. This one is mostly for the ladies. Grift informs me this Spring's colors are black and tan (or was that his beer order--I get confused). Anyway, we both agree that the dress has to be crocheted, not knitted. More holes that way!
8. Make cheese while the sun shines--so much more fun than making hay! Plus everyone loves cheese; only horses love hay.
9. Brush up on your dance steps. Yes, another drastic one I'm afraid. But you know how the wenches love dancing. Here's how me and Grift do it: we get stupendously, hideously drunk, so drunk in fact that the idea of dancing with another man begins to seem quite reasonable (you'll need a lot of beer for this one, trust me!) and we take to the floor and do a few turns. We're getting rather good at it. You'd weep if you saw Grift polka.
10. Last but not least: brush up on your pick-up lines! That way you'll be ready when that certain special wench comes along.
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