Okay! We've slaved forty days and forty nights on this latest batch of pick-up lines, and we truly feel we've brought you the WORST ever! Yes these lines are so bad they should come with a health warning. Use them at your own peril. Women of the world be afraid. Be VERY afraid! Bodger & Grift sustained severe head injuries while field-testing these beauties (it actually improved their mental capacity--but that's beside the point!). These lines are BAD! Don't say you weren't warned...

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1. Actually I prefer to pillage, burn, and then rape. The fire light makes it much more romantic. Got a Match? -- Lord Kyle von Hellsbane of the Dred Humor (...he he he. This guy's smooth. I bet his armor's the shiny sort!)

2. You know, you actually don't smell too bad for a Saxon. -- Lord Kyle von Hellsbane of the Dred Humor (You know, you're not the first person to mention that! Thank you!)

3. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you. -- Queen Nancy (No comment! Except to say that I like my fish broiled with a bit of lemon and paprika!)

4.Thine face dost warm mine heart like the breath of a thousand dragons, flaming into the deep night sky. -- Crystal Star (Sniff. Crystal you're putting us all to shame with this one. Lovely. Quite lovely. )

6. Is that a new codpiece you're wearing, or are you just happy to see me? -- RJK (What's it with all the fish talk? I'm getting mighty hungry!)

7. Fair maiden I would gladly clasp you against my body since I am battle weary yet I believe your twin towers would repulse my attack. -- Ansie (Sadly, my twin towers have long since fallen!)

8. Do I have protection? What do you think this suit of armor is for. -- Kevin "The Cool Guy" B (to cover your puny body perhaps?)

9. I'm rich. -- Kevin "The Cool Guy" B (Short, but somehow good all the same. Some lines are just timeless!)

10. Let me take you out for a rat & barley sandwich sometime. -- Fyodor (Rat sandwiches are so passe. Wolfgang Puck has already moved on to the greater rodents like raccoons and possums. Nothing like a hot rodent on toast!)

11. Come sir, let me take you to my enchanted castle. -- Kelli (Grift says he's on the way!)

12. Did you know that I was Cinderella's brother? yeah, So do you want to make out in the back seat of a pumpkin? -- Clint the Troubadour (No thanks, Clint. I'm allergic to all things orange and fleshy!)

13. Why don't you be the buffet on thee round table and let us take want we want? -- Rage (Is it just me, or is there a food theme developing here?)

14. Once a king always a king; once a knight tis not enough! -- Elexis (Never a truer word said!)

15. If the Gods would grant me into anything of my liking, I'd become your tears. Born in your eyes, live on your cheek and die on your lips. -- Jax (Now this man knows how to romance a woman! A melter if ever I heard one!)

16. I hope you like fireworks cause I want to end this night with a bang. -- Kerry (Just don't go storing those bangers in your pockets!)

17. My horse isn't the only thing I ride well! -- Jamie (And what might the other thing be we wonder? The train?)

18. Dear Lady, I spoke to the Goddess Freya last night, and she looked just like you. -- Wulf Bjornsson (Wulf assures me this one slays the wenches in his native Scandinavia!)

19. I'm dragon out my heart for you. -- Janis & Co (Ooohh...that's bad. That's so bad it's sort of good! Grift groaned for a full ten seconds over this one!)

20. Knights ravaged my houses, kings devoured my crops, archers slew my servants and there are Lions in my bed. . . all while I was thinking of you. I have nothing so, prithy thee, dearest damsel, might I sleep with you tonight? -- Justin Jones (Now, I'm not just saying this because Justin shares the same magnificent last name as me, but this one is GOOD!)


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21. My dear lady it is high time we got things straight between us. -- Kymberly (he he he...this one is a grower!)

22. Pardon me milady but I heard that a broadsword is ideal for loosening a knotted corset, And I have a VERY broad sword. -- Hemitheus (You know, you're onto something here Hemitheus. My corset's *always* getting knotted!)

23. Hey baby I lost my phone number can I borrow yours. -- Deep Quote (And would Deep Quote like to point out to me just what makes this line Medieval? I mean, we're not fussy here. But everyone knows that no one went around calling each other "baby" in those days!)

24. What's that your horse ran away? You can ride me for a while. -- Simon (I'd rather walk!)

25. Me good Knight, surely thine legs must be tired, as ye've been running through me mind all day. -- Aldwict

26. I may not be Fred Flinstone but I can make the bed rock. -- Blake Revels

27. First add the bed, then subtract the clothes, then divide your legs. What does that equal? -- Blake Revels (Odds of 1000:1 against you! See, do I know my Boolean algebra or what?)

28. Mind if I enchant your globes? -- Dave (Go right ahead. They're over there in the corner next to my atlas!)

29. Knight to local virgin: I hear that unicorns are terribly pesky creatures. -- Adrieane (I don't understand this one, but I offer it here anyway in the hope that higher intelligences might be able to decipher it!)

30. Wouldth milady like to see my Loch Ness monster? -- P Lochrie (Why is there always someone who drags poor Nessie into this. What's she ever done to anyone?)

31. Hey milady would you like some stud smuthered in armor? -- Emit Thompson (Is it just me or is the quality of these lines dropping?)

32. To be used on Gothic types: Didn't I go to your funeral? And: You're pretty cute for a dead chick. -- Derek (See, we have pick-ups for every occasion here. Anne Rice fans use at your own discretion!)

33. Milady, I be a fisherman by trade. I got me a bag of Oysters, aye me has. Care to crack some open. -- CJ (Only if there's an "R" in the month!)

34. If I had a million boogers I'd still pick you. -- Kevin Briancesco (Kevin is a scholar of the Middle Ages and has informed me that the first booger was actually discovered by King Arthur whilst he was kneeling down before his fair Queen Guinevere and gazing lovingly up into her....eyes!)

35. If you've got the oven I've the loaf. -- Jack of Loin (Hmm...I don't what it is about this one, but I'm feeling hungry again!)

36. Would you like to swash my buckler, Milady? -- Jack of Loin (I don't know about swashing your buckler but I'll be glad to wash it for you! My that buckler smells! What is a buckler anyway?)

37. My name is Aethelrydd the Elder... you might want to remember that, because you'll be screaming it all night. -- Jane M (...he he he. Now if we could just pronounce Aethelrydd!)

38. You don't smell half as bad as your brother. -- Sverre (Nope. I'm not going there. Not even Grift wants to comment on this one!)

38. Hey, wench, you wouldn't happen to have a quiver in which I could store my arrow for a while? -- David

39. Not the arrows loosed by archers of skill, nor the flashing swords of warriors true could not keep me from returning to you, my Lady. -- David (A melter! About time we had another one!)

40. Just like the Spanish Inquisition, no one expects me, but when I come, you'll never forget it. -- Andee

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41. Man and woman in small boat. Woman looks at man: "Nice dingy." -- Nick Albright (I've never liked sailing much!)

42. Nice rack! -- Beemer (Thank you. I got it from the Marquis DeSade. There's hardly any blood on it)

43. I'm the King, wanna play with my Excalibur? -- Lady Guinevere (Gwen says some guy actually said this to her. Sadly, she didn't mention whether or not it worked!)

44. Let's play army. You lay down and I'll blow you away. -- Alex (Not if I launch my offensive first you won't!)

45. Don't be lifting the kilt -- unless you plan to be under it later. -- Lady J (At last! At last! Something with the word "kilt" in it!)

46. Och, lassie, you've a body t'wod stretch the pleats out o' a Scotsman's kilt. -- Scot Campbell (It's a Kilt-a-thon!)

47. Hi! I'm new in town. Can I have directions to your house?-- Reggie (Sure. It's the one right next door to Ye Olde Police Station!)

48. If I said something about your your Breastplate, would you hold it against me? -- MarZ (Sure, but I should warn you, it's got eight inch spikes on it!)

49 I've had my plague test. -- Meryem (he he he...we like this one a lot. Sadly Grift failed his. I wondered what that big boil was on his leg!)

50. May I buy you a drink milady? Or would you just prefer the money later? -- Dave B

51. Pardon me, M'Lady, thy melons look ripe enough, but I'll have to pinch them to make sure. -- Devin (Bodger says he doesn't like melons. He had a bad experience with them when he was a boy!)

52. The only thing thine eyes haven't told me is thy name. -- Sir Chuck

53. Say there. What say you and I go back to my place and pillage in the sack? -- Adam Frank Carlson (No thank you! I gave up pillaging years ago. Terrible for my back!)

54. As morning hues of sunswept fire caress your passionate face, alone with thee, pure desire, to worship untold grace, my heart would cry in silent prayer to hours swept apart, your essence warms the evening air as I dance into your heart. -- Mike Z (Why can't all the guys be like this? Sigh!)

55. Druid: You and I could do some really powerful magic together in the grove me Lady. -- Phoenix (Grift says he likes to do his rollickin' in a grove. Good for shade!)

56. Pardon me m'lady, does thou servest loins here? No? Then I'll gladly let thou tryest mine. -- John the Bard (Would they be pork or beef? Must be kosher about this.)

57. Hey baby, want to play lion? You kneel right there and I'll throw you my meat. -- Michelle H (Am I the only one who thinks Michelle should get together with John the Bard?)

58. Excuse me, are you the impaler? Oh, well you could start by impaling me?-- Callisto (Grift says he never impales on a full stomach!)

59. My, that's a big lance you have there. But do you know how to use it? -- Venus (Grift says he took advanced classes!)

60. If you were a village, I would plunder your bounty, smother you in oil and set you on fire. -- Philip Morris (Hey! That might hurt!)

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61. Now that the plague is over, why don't we go back to my castle and work on repopulation? -- Kelly (...he he he. Grift likes this one!)

62. After having gazed upon thine eyes, I have lost all interest in the stars for they cannot compare to thee! -- Gil (Phew! We needed something to improve the tone!)

63. That is a very nice cloak m'lord, may I see what's underneath it? -- Violet Tigress (Grift says, Yes! Hang on while he oils his smalls!)

64. Oh,my dear! Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me? -- Merrick FoxMeyer

65. Was your Father King for a day?He must have been to make a princess like you! -- Merrick FoxMeyer

66. M'lady,you know you might be asked to leave soon, you are making all the other women look bad! -- Merrick FoxMeyer

67. Are you lost ma'am? Because Heaven's a long way from here! -- Merrick FoxMeyer

68. My dear lady,the warmth of your soul,heart,mind and love makes the iciness of my heart melt away. -- Merrick FoxMeyer

69. You'd better watch out; your kisses are a crime waiting to happen! -- Merrick FoxMeyer (Grift doesn't think he can teach Merrick anything. In fact he's wondering how Merrick finds time to write, what with all the wenches he must be picking-up with these beauties!)

70. It's your lucky day, I shower once every few months, and you've caught me at a time when I feel ESPECIALLY dirty. -- Jake Houpt (Someone turn on the hose!)

71. Who knows, the plague may hit tomorrow, so how bout we do a spot of rollickin' tonite? -- Jake Houpt (I've given it some serious thought, and I think I'll take my chances with the plague!)

72. Have you ever tripped over a tree? How bout a root? -- Angie (Here's another one that eludes me completely!)

73. I have been all over the world; I have been around the Spice Island, matched wits with Ptolmey, killed a dragon, and faced the the sirens call but that wasn't as charming as you. -- Andrew Kirsop (Odysseus? Hmm...now wasn't he married? And Greek?)

74. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up? -- Kandy (Grift says he's there! But he wonders whether or not the lovely Kandy can take his weight!)

75. Robin may have stole from the rich and gave to the poor, but I steal from all and horde to myself. -- Perv of NaughtyHam (Refreshingly truthful! I like it!)

76. Woman, get over here!!! -- Mile L (...he he he. Mike advises me that this one works especially well in Scotland!)

77. Do ye know who penned the Book of Love? It was I -- and thou were the inspiration! -- Shawna Joy (Grift says this is one of his favorites. Incidentally, he wanted me to let you know that he was the male model for the Kama Sutra in a former life!)

78. May I see the tag upon your garb? Ah yes....made in heaven! -- Shawna Joy (Sigh! A melter of the First Order!)

79. Male Bard to Female Bard: We could make beautiful music together. -- Daniel

80. If thou wouldst tarry with me through just 5 pints of strong ale. Thy stench of soured milk woudst be of no travail. -- Alrick (We don't know what it is about this one, but it grossed everyone here out. Sour milk? Eeew!)

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81. Beam me up Scotty, the wenches down here are starting to smell! -- Mark McCloud (Is it just me or is this whole thing starting to make you a bit nauseous?)

82. I'm on a five-year mission, to boldly go where no man has gone before. You DID say you're a virgin, didn't you? -- Robin (Anyone else getting a Shatner flashback right about now?)

83. Merlin gave me three wishes, m'lady. Wanna play with the biggest? -- Mark McCloud

84. I work down in the shipyard, plugging holes on the ships that come in. So why don't you let me plug one of yours? -- Robin (No thanks. I'd rather sink!)

85. They say to never judge a book by its cover. So why don't we take off your coverings, and let me judge you in the morning? -- Robin (Sorry, Judge Ito has already done that!)

86. M'lady, I was enraptured at the mere cogitation of being under such felicity that I might manifestly potare from thine bodily fountain as God surely partook of thou before he set thee free of his embrace. -- Christopher V (Grift urges Chris to spend less time with the Thesaurus and more time with the wenches!)

87. Man: Excuse me I was just wondering did it hurt?"

Lady: Did what hurt?"

Man: When you fell from heaven, did it hurt? -- Mike (Sniff! This is just too romantic!)

88. Is that a bottle of Windex in your armor, because I can see myself in it. -- Stephanie (Grift says he shines his with elbow grease alone!)

89. I be the lord of this manor. Wouldst thou like to marry one of my peasants? -- GNix (Peasants? No. But Grift says he'll eat one of your pheasants!)

90. I laid eyes upon you and my heart was smitten. Without your warming touch my soul grows frost bitten. Now please remove your skirt so I may play with your kitten. -- Seth R (Grift says no one's playing with his cat! And anyway, the rumors about him wearing a skirt are all false!)

91. My nose ring seems to be caught in your bodice. -- Adam M (Grift has this problem ALL the time! He says olive oil helps!)

92. Scuse me Madam, you seem to have something that belongs to me...My heart. -- Adam M

93. I lost my night watchman, will you sleep with me? -- Rebecca Sickmind (Even Rebecca doesn't know what this one means! And she sent it!)

94. So I'm a dragon and you're a damsel, may I eat you now? -- Trollz

95. Milady, I'm looking for a holy missionary, would thou like to apply for the "position". -- Xaddax

96. Milady, If you were a castle, I would flood your moat. -- Xaddax (Pretty clever!)

97. Milady, I've seemed to have had a bit to much mead, would thou help me back to my hovel. -- Xaddax

98. Elves don't just have pointy *ears*. -- Sean

99. You're father must be a baker-- no one else could have made buns like those. -- Sean (As you can see we're getting close to the bottom of ye olde barrel!)

100. My love, for all the brief time we have been together, I have yearned for you. I have watched with jealousy and rage as you bestowed your smile and affections on others. Long have I waited the day in which I might turn your heart towards me. It was only with the greatest of self-control that I restrained myself until I could prove a worthy suitor for that most precious of gems.

If you would but consent to be my wife, I would be your abject slave, asking only that I might bask in the glory of your smile and the tenderness of your touch. I would pledge to make eternity seem but a moment of time with the depth of my love. I would have the stars spell out your name, though they are but a pale comparison for your beauty. I would have the birds sing out in joy for every smile you bestowed upon me. The very land would carpet itself in sweet grass and flowers for you to trod upon, if you would but consent to be my wife.

The finest of wines sour when compared to the taste of you lips. The sweetest of rose wilt with shame when likened to the scent of your skin. Silk is course when placed next the texture of your hair. Were you to deny me the honor of being your husband, I would waste away till naught remained of me but a shriveled heart beating out eternity in pain and despair.

Say that you will be mine, that together we can shame the heavens with the beauty of our love making, together we could do anything for we would have the strength of love behind us. -- Dana (Quite beautiful. Dana says she would fall for it, and I know I would. So come on men! We need more romance.)

Well that's all for this batch! Go forth and mulitply!

If you know a really terrible Medieval pick up line please go right ahead and send it anyway. If it's bad enough it could find its way onto this list.