Bodger & Grift's

Medieval Pick Up Lines

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"No, Bodger, the quickest way to pick up a wench isn't to tell her she's got a fine pair of melons." "But Longtoad swears it works for him, Grift." "Then Longtoad must be stone deaf, for that sort of remark won't work on any wenches I know." "What does then, Grift?" "Sophistication, Bodger. Sophistication. You go up to a wench, smile right nice and then say: how's about me and you doing a spot or rollickin'? I've had many women before and not one of them's complained." -- excerpt from "A Man Betrayed"

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2. I have the key to your chastity belt and you have the key to my heart.
3. Can I hose down your doublet?
4. Your eyes are as dark as a castle moat by midnight. Lower your drawbridge and let me cross.
5. You should be glad I'm not a Viking. You would have been ravaged and plundered by now.
6. What's a nice maiden like you doing in a dungeon like this?
7. Come up and see my scrolls.
8. You can scale my battlements any day, madam.
9. You scratch my boils and I'll scratch yours.
10. They don't call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know.
11. My that's a fine set of chalices you have there.
12. Ssh, I don't want everyone to know I'm on a secret holy quest.
13. When the Inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs weren't the only thing they stretched.

Bodger & Grift Reader's Pick Up Lines

1. That's a nice chastity belt you're wearing. My blacksmith friends and I can help you out of it. -- Matt Williams
2. Honest, milady, it will help clear up the pox marks. -- Matt Williams (Matt Williams gets a special mention for sheer quantity of lines he sent!)
3. Is that a knife in you're armor? Or are you just happy to see me? -- Mary Price
4. Hey baby, King Arthur isn't the only one with a big round thing. How 'bout coming up and waxing mine? -- Camelot Comedian
5. Looks like my dragon has finally found a nice cave to rest in. -- Alexei Kambalov
6. Hey, Princess, you wouldn't happen to know where a lonely knight could scabbard his sword, would you? -- Kevin Conlon
7. It's not the size of your sword but what you can do with it. -- Michael Dempsey
8. Been there, slain that. -- Gabe
9. Your hovel or mine? -- Gabe
10. Pestilence makes the heart go wander. -- Gabe (I like Gabe's lines a lot, but he never left a proper e-mail address for me to contact him.)
11. How'd you like to ride my stallion? He's well trained for battle! -- Cathy Lytton
12. Pardon me, madam, but wouldeth thou like to see my longsword in action? -- Ron Conti (I like this one. It's very polite!)
13. Every second of every our of every day is like a thousand knives of fire stabbing me in the heart. I long for thee incessantly, so much that mine sorrow seems without surcease. My alliteration is small comfort next to the warm gaze of thine azure eyes. I carve the comfort of thine embrace like some lost child cold and alone in the dark....So, you wanna !@£$% -- Paul Pieper (A true romantic)
14. You wanna go upstairs and see my Holy Grail? -- Jim Crazinazi
15. I like the cut of your jib. -- Jean Norris (This is one of my faves)
16. My goat bite is no longer infected, so would you like to dance? -- Murphy
17. If I were that horse, I'd rather you mounted me without the saddle. -- Todd & Annai
18. How about going out with a guy who doesn't have the plague for a change? -- Pipkins
19. Wizard: You know, my hat isn't the on ly thing that's pointed. -- Kelly McClanahan (This one made me giggle)
20. Mlle. Darc, thy breastplate is wondrous! Wouldst thou hold my polearm whilst I attempt to light thy fire? -- Robert Hampton (Robert was canny enough to compliment the judge and so is in with a very good chance of winning something!)
21. Do you practice safe hex? -- anon. (I don't know who sent me this one, but I liked it. So there)
22. You look like a maiden in distress, why don't I save you? -- Mark Hill
23. Oh yea baby- black plague, leprosy, or scarlet fever- honey, I've got the cure for you. -- Justin Folk
24. You is know that chastity belt of yours would look great on my sleeping chambers floor. -- Justin Folk
25. I had to swim the moat to get to you fair maiden. So, would you like to see my breaststroke? -- Daniel Ransom (This is one of Grift's favorites!)
26. I bet you would look nice in some maternity armor. -- Jay Orr (Interesting visual image.)
27. Wench: what's that sound? Knight: that's just the sound of my chain mail drawers expanding. -- Will Durman (This one made everyone giggle.)
28. You hit on me harder than the black plague! -- Jen Costello
29. Why storm the castle when we can make our own? -- Matt Jachalke (sigh)
30. The first time I saw thee, I felt as if my stomach had been raided by beautiful fire breathing dragons. Uh..in a nice way of course. -- Graeme Jack (double sigh - we need more romantics like Graeme and Matt)
31. Excuse me, Milady, would you have a place where I may sheath my longsword? -- Heather Wormer
32. Why don't we go back to my place and re-enact "The Miller's Tale?" -- Michelle Fonvielle (Leave it to a woman to come up with some intelligent pick-up lines!)
33. You won't believe this but St. George just appeared to me in a vision and told me that I must bed you...the fate of England depends is on it!! -- Michelle Fonvielle (Grift has advised me that this one would definitely work on him!)
34. Ever see a passion play? Would you like to? -- Michelle Fonvielle
35. I most certainly am King in bed! Shall I prove it to you? -- Jason Pepling
36. So...been to any good hangings lately? -- Jason Pepling
37. Don't worry . . . if you kiss me, I won't turn into a frog. -- Suzanne
38. "Why, I once speared 10 of them with a single thrust." -- Suzanne
39. Don't believe the rumors you heard about me . . . the Bubonic plague didn't affect the important parts. -- Suzanne (The guys here demand to know what parts they are exactly?)
40. Like a mare, I can be ridden for hours. -- Heather McMaster (I can tell you now, the guys here like the sound of Heather and Suzanne a lot!)
41. They say a knight is always as hard as his armor. -- Heather McMaster
42. I hath done combat with many a beast, but I must confess that was the tightest situation I have ever been in. -- Drake. (Love the Drake!)
43. How, you ask, did I get up here to your balcony? Well, I espied you from yonder garden. In an instant my er, heart was swelled with lus.. er, love. I had to meet you! So I ranneth over but tripped on a stone thusly pole-vaulting into your arms. -- Peter Graylish (Peter haileth from the same hometown as the judge so be warned: expect favoritism!)
44. If the stars in the sky were as beautiful as the eyes on thee, then they'd be really pretty. -- Nate & EJ (All together now: Aah)
45. Milady you can ride my horse. I must tell you, he's a wild one! -- KT (I think this one needs work!)
46. Would thoust be interested in viewing mine buttshaft? -- Geoff Hineman (I don't think so, but mighty attractive offer!)
47. I've been VERY NAUGHTY. You'll have to put me in the stocks and...er... PUNISH me, now won't you? -- Anastasia of Edmond (I bet Anastasia is very popular at parties!)
48. If quietus you make, I'll bare my bodkin for you. -- Mark (Paraphrasing the Bard works for me!)
49. C'mon, sweetie...Didn't your mother ever tell you? A cleric a day keeps the black plague away. -- Jason Pepling (again!)
50. I'd rather be beheaded than be denied a date with you. -- JDW
51. Sword fighting is like _everything_ else : it's all in your thrust. -- Jamie Vernon
52. I lost my leg in battle. Guess what I'm walking on! -- Jason (no comment!)
53. Yes, fair maiden, I am indeed a wizard. Shall I make your clothes disappear? -- Andy Corvin
54. I'm really a prince cursed by an evil witch. Tell me, do you have sex with frogs? -- Florante Navarro Jr.
55. No, I'm actually a wizard. Want to see my crystal balls? -- Florante Navarro Jr.
56. Darling, these Trojans are rather painful...We may need some oil for this armor. -- Demitri Gregorivich
57. I might have lost most of my limbs in battle but I've still got one left. -- Hamish Campbell
58. You look like a maiden in distress, why don't I save you? -- Mark Hill (See - the classics still work!)
59. Hey, baby, wanna chain my mail? -- Andrew Meyers (Silly, but good)
60. My! But you are a beautiful damsel in distress! Allow me to help you out of it. -- Dennis Bazell
61. What a fine gown you wear, my lady. Perchance couldst I talk you out of it? -- Matt Kuzma (Is it just me, or do these seem to be getting a teeny bit repetitive?)
62. I seem to have lost my sex slave, can I borrow you for a bit? -- Viktor
63. You know, I was once imprisoned in a tower very much like Rupunnzel. Only it wasn't my hair that the queen asked me to let down. -- S.P.R. (This one is a grower!)
64. A day just wouldn't be complete without a Knight. -- S.P.R (Never a truer word was said)
65. Milady, I'll be your night in shining armor. -- Tom (Having received about a hundred comments based around the line "is that a sword in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" I really appreciate the sweet ones)
66. Like Marcellus Wallace, I wanna get Medieval or your ass! -- Tom (Mmm...and here's Tom again ruining my fragile illusions of sweetness.)
67. How about coming around the back and giving me a good reason to come back from the crusades? -- Chip Chakraborty
68. You know... I got my armor in Extra-Large just so I could fit the both of us in here. What do you say? -- Jason Pepling
69. The inquisitor: So, witch...up to you. Either you burn at the stake...or I use my stake to make you burn. -- Linda (Ouch! Painful)
70. I may not be a priest, but I can get you to heaven, m'lady. -- Pete
71. I joust love you, baby! -- Pete (This scored very highly on the groan-ometer)
72. Hey, milady,if you think that horse is gifted... -- Gen (Glen picked exactly the right spot to cut this one off!)
73. What say ye we have our own Norman conquest, lass? -- White Chapel
74. Come up to my chamber and I'll show you the largest treasure in the land. -- David Gray
75. Say, Princess, I'm very good at poking people with long pointy objects. -- Dick Parker (Cattle prods, perhaps?)
76. And you thought the Romans had the only impressive aqueducts. -- DeVore (DeVore gets a special mention for being the first person to use the word "aqueduct" in his pick-up line. Well done!)
77. Milady, I heard that you were a chirogeon, I have something you can drain. -- Alexis
78. You can place your greeves under my pallet anytime. -- Joel Adams (The quality of these last entries is getting a little too high. Can't have these guys putting the rest of us to shame now, can we?)
79. Paint on your shield "Smile if you want to sleep with me" and watch the wenches try to keep straight faces. -- Brian (Aah..we're back to being silly again. Phew!)
80. Hey, big boy, how would you like to help this maiden out of dis-dress? -- E. Swift (A true classic. This one would have won a prize if it had come in a week earlier!)
81. Wanna polish my pike? -- Trish (Trish is obviously a no-nonsense kinda girl!)
82. Ello, milady, thou art under siege. I shall scale thy battlements with mine grappling hook! -- Claudio Gilberg
83. The word of the day is legs. Lets go back to my place and spread the word. -- Sarah Lurtz and Stephanie Kurtz (Okay, okay, this isn't Medieval, but it *is* good and this is my website, so I can do whatever I want!)
84. Your beauty has scorched a hole into my heart as fast as a dragon in the mote. -- Browneyes. (Sigh. This one is just too romantic)
85. My Lady, dost thou possess a looking glass in thine bodice? For I may surely see myself within their folds. -- Sir Thomas (Sir to you and me)
86. Iain Rannoch: May I carry that for you M'Lady? (Lost north of Sea March, Trimaris) -- Xavier Campbell(I don't understand this one, but I have a feeling it's good)
87. Might I borrow a scroll? (Might I ask, what for?) I must write home to my mother at once and tell her I have met the maiden of my dreams! -- Joan (You old romantic, you!)
88. Has anyone ever told you that you have a lovely wimple? -- Ron Hanks
89. I'm from Nurenberg, but I'm a master at more than singing. -- Ron Hanks
90. May I show you a fascinating Saracaen ritual I learned while hiding in a harem after Hattin? -- Ron Hanks (A thoroughly moat-rippling trio!)
91. I would wish a manly broadsword, not a pen-knife such as yours (from a song) -- The Donald. (Nah. It couldn't be...)
92. Hey wench the rodent in my pocket wants to eat at your cheeze. -- Paul Victor (I think Paul's Medieval spelling of cheese is truly inspired!)
93. I am beset by this dragon in my loins, Dear Lady, and only you can quench its fire! -- Don Olson (I'm a sucker for anyone calling me "Dear Lady")
94. Oh, my sweet Knight! For a moment I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Now I see that I am very much alive, and heaven has been brought to me. -- SPR (Double sigh. This is far too romantic for me...I'm going to have to bring out the Kleenex)
95. Where am I from, milady? Nantucket of course!! Shall I prove it to you? -- David Michaels (I probably don't know Nantucket as well as I should, as this line goes right over my head)
96. A world without day is gloomy indeed, but a world without Knight would be pure misery. -- Trevor
97. Milady, it's not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within. -- Brendan (A wise man)
98. Hey, does this look infected to you? -- Jeff Chasteen (A contagious man)

Even More Pick-Up Lines!

Alas, this competition is now sadly over. However, if you know a really terrible Medieval pick up line please go right ahead and send it anyway. If it's bad enough it could still find its way onto this list.