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Missis Wicks

Missi Wicks


Missis Wicks' Etiquette Guide For Young Ladies On-Line

Missis Wicks here. You may not know me yet. I grace The Barbed Coil with an appearance or two near the end, and if I do say so myself I'm the only one who's got a clue about what's going on on that craggy windswept rock-heap the Anointed Isle.

Of course, being a lady of excellent breeding and impeccable moral fiber, I know many things on a whole range of subjects, most particularly the proper way young ladies should deport themselves. Now, it's come to my attention that young ladies today are running riot online; surfing, flaming, downloading gifs from This won't do, I tell you. Just won't do! Below you will find my advice for young ladies who happen to find themselves on-line. Heed it well, girls. Your honor and your modems depend on it!

  • Young ladies of good breeding should never, ever, under any circumstances surf the net without a chaperone. This will only lead to unwanted advances and a large bottom!

  • Remember to be courteous at all times. When someone sends you unsolicited junk email, it would be impolite to send a one-line email complaining. Instead show your heart felt appreciation by sending them the Oxford English Encyclopedia volumes F-Y as a Thank You gift. Anything less would be impolite.

  • A proper young lady will never tear out the pages of her Netscape Navigator manual and use them to blow her nose. A clean silk handkerchief should always be tucked up her sleeve.

  • A lady of good taste never flames. She flambés.

  • Posture ladies! Posture! While waiting for the huge gifs from alt.brad pitt.swimming.trunks to download, always remember to sit with your back straight and chin out.

  • In chatrooms: when chatting with someone called "Marilyn", who claims to weigh 120lbs, have blonde hair, blue eyes, and a perfect 38-22-36 figure, it would be impolite to suggest that the person in question might be lying. Instead, enter the spirit of the game. "Marilyn" is obviously a playful person, so she would appreciate it greatly if you claimed to be from the FBI Special Sex Offenders Division in Norfolk Virginia, and have been monitoring her online transmissions for the past six months.

  • A young lady of good breeding will never list herself in Yahoo as an escort service.

  • When using false headers to send email, a young lady of good breeding always takes into consideration the bother this may cause to potential hackers who will try and track her real identity down. The truly polite young lady will of course route all her false email through, therefore eliminating the hackers need to do two jobs in one night.

  • A young lady of good breeding never lurks, she withdraws to take names and make incriminating notes.

  • Concerning other family members. Regarding infringements like hogging the machine, crashing the machine, loading the hard drive up with dubious jpegs and spilling Budweiser on the keyboard: even if caught in the act a proper young lady will deny all charges. Just like gum: it's impolite not to share blame.

  • On spamming: well it should be quite obvious by now that any action named after a cheap luncheon meat containing cow's tonsils and trotters is simply not acceptable. If you really must insult someone on-line, please try to do so politely. Think paté, not spam. Besides, the phrase "you narrow minded, weasel-faced, onion-breathed blockhead", sounds so much nicer in French.

    Well, young ladies, that's all the advice I have for now. I am, of course, always on the look out for more rules to add to my list. If you are a person of good standing in the community, with impeccable references,
    you may send me any suggestions you think appropriate. Be good now. And remember a young lady never logs off, she disconnects!

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