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Missis Wicks' Etiquette Guide
For Young Ladies On-Line
Missis Wicks here. You may not know me
yet. I grace The Barbed Coil with an appearance or two near
the end, and if I do say so myself I'm the only one who's
got a clue about what's going on on that craggy windswept
rock-heap the Anointed Isle.
Of course, being a lady of excellent breeding and impeccable
moral fiber, I know many things on a whole range of
subjects, most particularly the proper way young ladies
should deport themselves. Now, it's come to my attention
that young ladies today are running riot online; surfing,
flaming, downloading gifs from rec.arts.chippendales.men.
This won't do, I tell you. Just won't do! Below you will
find my advice for young ladies who happen to find
themselves on-line. Heed it well, girls. Your honor and your
modems depend on it!
- Young ladies of good breeding should
never, ever, under any circumstances surf the net without
a chaperone. This will only lead to unwanted advances and
a large bottom!
- Remember to be courteous at all
times. When someone sends you unsolicited junk email, it
would be impolite to send a one-line email complaining.
Instead show your heart felt appreciation by sending them
the Oxford English Encyclopedia volumes F-Y as a Thank
You gift. Anything less would be impolite.
- A proper young lady will never tear
out the pages of her Netscape Navigator manual and use
them to blow her nose. A clean silk handkerchief should
always be tucked up her sleeve.
- A lady of good taste never flames.
She flambés.
- Posture ladies! Posture! While
waiting for the huge gifs from alt.brad
pitt.swimming.trunks to download, always remember to sit
with your back straight and chin out.
- In chatrooms: when chatting with
someone called "Marilyn", who claims to weigh 120lbs,
have blonde hair, blue eyes, and a perfect 38-22-36
figure, it would be impolite to suggest that the person
in question might be lying. Instead, enter the spirit of
the game. "Marilyn" is obviously a playful person, so she
would appreciate it greatly if you claimed to be from the
FBI Special Sex Offenders Division in Norfolk Virginia,
and have been monitoring her online transmissions for the
past six months.
- A young lady of good breeding will
never list herself in Yahoo as an escort service.
- When using false headers to send
email, a young lady of good breeding always takes into
consideration the bother this may cause to potential
hackers who will try and track her real identity down.
The truly polite young lady will of course route all her
false email through pentagon.gov, therefore eliminating
the hackers need to do two jobs in one night.
- A young lady of good breeding never
lurks, she withdraws to take names and make incriminating
notes.
- Concerning other family members.
Regarding infringements like hogging the machine,
crashing the machine, loading the hard drive up with
dubious jpegs and spilling Budweiser on the keyboard:
even if caught in the act a proper young lady will deny
all charges. Just like gum: it's impolite not to share
blame.
- On spamming: well it should be quite
obvious by now that any action named after a cheap
luncheon meat containing cow's tonsils and trotters is
simply not acceptable. If you really must insult someone
on-line, please try to do so politely. Think paté,
not spam. Besides, the phrase "you narrow minded,
weasel-faced, onion-breathed blockhead", sounds so much
nicer in French.
Well, young ladies, that's all the advice I have for now.
I am, of course, always on the look out for more rules to
add to my list. If you are a person of good standing in
the community, with impeccable references, you may
send me any suggestions you
think appropriate. Be good now. And remember a young lady
never logs off, she disconnects!
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