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Welcome to the Dungeon. Situated deep within the bowels of Castle Harvell, this notorious subterranean lock-up is home to folk who have really annoyed the King. It's also home from home to Bodger & Grift, two humble castle guards charged with maintaining security. As you can see above, they perform their roles with a real sense of honor and duty, always setting the highest of standards.

Digging for King and Country

The latest video footage smuggled out from the Dungeon shows Bodger & Grift hard at work preparing this page for visitors. Alas, someone later reminded them that when you're in a hole it's best to stop digging and they've been on a break ever since. When construction is finally complete, the Dungeon is where you'll find snippets from old jvj.com webpages, or links to the old pages themselves. And, of course, you'll also be able to follow the continuing adventures of Bodger & Grift.

Reader's Medieval Pick-up Lines

1. I joust love you, baby!
-Pete (This scored very highly on the groan-ometer)
2. Is that a knife in your armor, or are you just happy to see me? -Mary Price
3. That's a nice chastity belt you're wearing. My blacksmith friends and I can help you out of it.
-Matt Williams
4. Honest, milady, it will help clear up the pox marks.
-Matt Williams (Matt gets a special mention for sheer quantity of lines he sent!)
5. Hey baby, King Arthur isn't the only one with a big round thing. How 'bout coming up and waxing mine? -Camelot Comedian
6. Hey, Princess, you wouldn't happen to know where a lonely knight could scabbard his sword, would you? -Kevin Conlon
7. It's not the size of your sword but what you can do with it. -Michael Dempsey
8. Been there, slain that. -Gabe
9. Pestilence makes the heart go wander. -Gabe
(I like Gabe's lines a lot, but he never left a proper e-mail address for me to contact him)
10. Your hovel or mine? -Gabe
11. How'd you like to ride my stallion? He's well trained for battle! -Cathy Lytton
12. Pardon me, madam, but wouldeth thou like to see my longsword in action? -Ron Conti
(I like this one. It's very polite!)
13. I like the cut of your jib. -Jean Norris (This is one of my faves)
14. You wanna go upstairs and see my Holy Grail? -Jim Crazinazi
15. Every second of every hour of every day is like a thousand knives of fire stabbing me in the heart. I long for thee incessantly, so much that mine sorrow seems without surcease. My alliteration is small comfort next to the warm gaze of thine azure eyes. I crave the comfort of thine embrace like some lost child cold and alone in the dark....So, you wanna !@£$? -Paul Pieper
(A true romantic)
16. My goat bite is no longer infected, so would you like to dance? -Murphy
17. If I were that horse, I'd rather you mounted me without the saddle. -Todd & Annai
18. How about going out with a guy who doesn't have the plague for a change? -Pipkins
19. Wizard: You know, my hat isn't the only thing that's pointed. -Kelly McClanahan
(This one made me giggle)
20. Miss Darcy, thy breastplate is wondrous! Wouldst thou hold my polearm whilst I attempt to light thy fire? -Robert Hampton (Robert was canny enough to compliment the judge, so he could be a winner!)
21. Do you practice safe hex? -anon (I don't know who sent me this one, but I liked it. So there!)
22. My lady, I’d polish my armor twice a day if it meant catching thy reflection. -CP
23. Oh yeah baby - black plague, leprosy, or scarlet fever - honey, I've got the cure for you.
-Justin Folk
24. You know that chastity belt of yours would look great on my sleeping chambers floor.
-Justin Folk
25. I had to swim the moat to get to you fair maiden. So, would you like to see my breaststroke?
-Daniel Ransom (This is one of Grift's favorites!)
26. I bet you would look nice in some maternity armor. -Jay Orr (Interesting visual image)
27. Wench: what's that sound? Knight: that's just the sound of my chain mail drawers expanding. -Will Durman (This one made everyone giggle)
28. You hit on me harder than the black plague! -Jen Costello
29. Why storm the castle when we can make our own? -Matt Jachalke (sigh)
30. The first time I saw thee, I felt as if my stomach had been raided by beautiful fire breathing dragons. Uh..in a nice way of course. -Graeme Jack (sigh, we need more romantics like Graeme and Matt)
31. Excuse me, Milady, would you have a place where I may sheath my longsword?
-Heather Wormer
32. Why don't we go back to my place and re-enact "The Miller's Tale?" -Michelle Fonvielle
(Leave it to a woman to come up with some intelligent pick-up lines!)
33. You won't believe this but St. George just appeared to me in a vision and told me that I must bed you...the fate of England depends on it!! -Michelle Fonvielle
(Grift has advised me that this one would definitely work on him!)
34. Ever see a passion play? Would you like to? -Michelle Fonvielle
35. I most certainly am King in bed! Shall I prove it to you? -Jason Pepling
36. So...been to any good hangings lately? -Jason Pepling
37. Don't worry... if you kiss me, I won't turn into a frog. -Suzanne
38. "Why, I once speared 10 of them with a single thrust." -Suzanne
39. Don't believe the rumors you heard about me... the Bubonic plague didn't affect the important parts. -Suzanne (The guys here demand to know what parts they are exactly?)
40. Like a mare, I can be ridden for hours. -Heather McMaster (I can tell you now, the guys here like the sound of Heather and Suzanne a lot!)
41. They say a knight is always as hard as his armor. -Heather McMaster
42. I hath done combat with many a beast, but I must confess that was the tightest situation I have ever been in. -Drake (Love the Drake!)
43. How, you ask, did I get up here to your balcony? Well, I espied you from yonder garden. In an instant my er, heart was swelled with lus.. er, love. I had to meet you! So I ranneth over but tripped on a stone thusly pole-vaulting into your arms. -Peter Graylish (Peter haileth from the same hometown as the judge so be warned: expect favoritism!)
44. If the stars in the sky were as beautiful as the eyes on thee, then they'd be really pretty.
-Nate & EJ (All together now: Aah)
45. Milady you can ride my horse. I must tell you, he's a wild one! -KT (I think this one needs work!)
46. Would thoust be interested in viewing mine buttshaft? -Geoff Hineman
(I don't think so, but mighty attractive offer!)
47. I've been VERY NAUGHTY. You'll have to put me in the stocks and...er... PUNISH me, now won't you? -Anastasia of Edmond (I bet Anastasia is very popular at parties!)
48. If quietus you make, I'll bare my bodkin for you. -Mark
(Paraphrasing the Bard works for me!)
49. C'mon, sweetie...Didn't your mother ever tell you? A cleric a day keeps the black plague away. -Jason Pepling (again!)
50. I'd rather be beheaded than be denied a date with you. -JDW
51. Sword fighting is like everything else : it's all in your thrust. -Jamie Vernon
52. I lost my leg in battle. Guess what I'm walking on! -Jason (no comment!)
53. Yes, fair maiden, I am indeed a wizard. Shall I make your clothes disappear? -Andy Corvin
54. I'm really a prince cursed by an evil witch. Tell me, do you have sex with frogs?
-Florante Navarro Jr.
55. No, I'm actually a wizard. Want to see my crystal balls? -Florante Navarro Jr.
56. Darling, these Trojans are rather painful...We may need some oil for this armor.
-Demitri Gregorivich
57. You know, I was once imprisoned in a tower very much like Rupunnzel. Only it wasn't my hair that the queen asked me to let down. -S.P.R (This one is a grower!)
58. You look like a maiden in distress, why don't I save you? -Mark Hill
(See - the classics still work!)
59. Hey, baby, wanna chain my mail? -Andrew Meyers (Silly, but good)
60. My! But you are a beautiful damsel in distress! Allow me to help you out of it. -Dennis Bazell
61. What a fine gown you wear, my lady. Perchance couldst I talk you out of it? -Matt Kuzma
(Is it just me, or do these seem to be getting a teeny bit repetitive?)
62. A day just wouldn't be complete without a Knight. -S.P.R (Never a truer word was said)
63. I might have lost most of my limbs in battle but I've still got one left. -Hamish Campbell
64. Milady, I'll be your night in shining armor. -Tom (Having received about a hundred comments based around the line "is that a sword in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" I really appreciate the sweet ones)
65. Like Marcellus Wallace, I wanna get Medieval or your ass! -Tom
(Mmm...and here's Tom again ruining my fragile illusions of sweetness)
66. I seem to have lost my sex slave, can I borrow you for a bit? -Viktor
67. How about coming around the back and giving me a good reason to come back from the crusades? -Chip Chakraborty
68. You know... I got my armor in Extra-Large just so I could fit the both of us in here. What do you say? -Jason Pepling
69. The inquisitor: So, witch...up to you. Either you burn at the stake...or I use my stake to make you burn. -Linda (Ouch! Painful)
70. I may not be a priest, but I can get you to heaven, m'lady. -Pete
71. Looks like my dragon has finally found a nice cave to rest in. -Alexei Kambalov
72. Hey, milady, if you think that horse is gifted... -Glen
(Glen picked exactly the right spot to cut this one off!)
73. What say we have our own Norman conquest, lass? - White Chapel
74. And you thought the Romans had the only impressive aqueducts. -DeVore (DeVore gets a special mention for being the first to use the word "aqueduct" in his pick-up line. Well done!)
75. Say, Princess, I'm very good at poking people with long pointy objects. -Dick Parker
(Cattle prods, perhaps?)
76. Come up to my chamber and I'll show you the largest treasure in the land. -David Gray
77. Milady, I heard that you were a chirogeon, I have something you can drain. -Alexis
78. You can place your greeves under my pallet anytime. -Joel Adams (The quality of these last entries is getting a little too high. Can't have these guys putting the rest of us to shame now, can we?)
79. Paint on your shield "Smile if you want to sleep with me" and watch the wenches try to keep straight faces. -Brian (Aah..we're back to being silly again. Phew!)
80. Hey, big boy, how would you like to help this maiden out of dis-dress? -E. Swift
(A true classic. This one would have won a prize if it had come in a week earlier!)
81. Wanna polish my pike? -Trish (Trish is obviously a no-nonsense kinda girl!)
82. Ello, milady, thou art under siege. I shall scale thy battlements with mine grappling hook!
-Claudio Gilberg
83. The word of the day is legs. Lets go back to my place and spread the word. -Sarah Lurtz & Stephanie Kurtz (Okay, okay, this isn't Medieval, but it *is* good and this is my website, so I can do whatever I want!)
84. Your beauty has scorched a hole into my heart as fast as a dragon in the mote. -Browneyes
(Sigh. This one is just too romantic)
85. My Lady, dost thou possess a looking glass in thine bodice? For I may surely see myself within their folds. -Sir Thomas (Sir to you and me)
86. Iain Rannoch: May I carry that for you M'Lady? (Lost north of Sea March, Trimaris)
-Xavier Campbell (I don't understand this one, but I have a feeling it's good)
87. Might I borrow a scroll? (Might I ask, what for?) I must write home to my mother at once and tell her I have met the maiden of my dreams! -Joan (You old romantic, you!)
88. Has anyone ever told you that you have a lovely wimple? -Ron Hanks
89. I'm from Nurenberg, but I'm a master at more than singing. -Ron Hanks
90. May I show you a fascinating Saracaen ritual I learned while hiding in a harem after Hattin?
-Ron Hanks (A thoroughly moat-rippling trio!)
91. I would wish a manly broadsword, not a pen-knife such as yours. (from a song) -The Donald
92. Hey wench the rodent in my pocket wants to eat at your cheeze. -Paul Victor
(I think Paul's Medieval spelling of cheese is truly inspired!)
93. I am beset by this dragon in my loins, Dear Lady, and only you can quench its fire! -Don Olson
(I'm a sucker for anyone calling me "Dear Lady")
94. Oh, my sweet Knight! For a moment I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Now I see that I am very much alive, and heaven has been brought to me. -SPR
(Double sigh. This is far too romantic for me...I'm going to have to bring out the Kleenex)
95. Where am I from, milady? Nantucket of course!! Shall I prove it to you? -David Michaels
(I probably don't know Nantucket as well as I should, as this line goes right over my head)
96. A world without day is gloomy, but a world without Knight would be pure misery. -Trevor
97. Milady, it's not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within. -Brendan (A wise man)
98. Hey, does this look infected to you? -Jeff Chasteen (A contagious man)
99. You're the only man I want in my turret. -Angie Bell
100. Good Sir, thou hast made my tallow melt. -Angie Bell
101. Is that a warhorse you're mounted on, Sir Knight? Or have you got elephantitis? -Angie Bell
(Grift says it's definitely a warhorse!)
102. Milady, my tent is a little unstable. Wouldst thou come inside and check on my pole?
-Paul Whalen
103. You've broken down my battlements and laid siege to my heart. -A. Donis
(Watch out for hot oil and Trojan horses!)
104. Unhand me, milady. I said grab my baldrick, not my. . . -A. Donis
105. You must be a skilled archer, my lady, as you have sent your arrow straight into my heart.
-Jack W (I think Jack's in need of immediate medical attention!)
106. Can I draw my sword across your wet stone? -Jack W
107. I'm half man, half dragon, you know. Would you like to see my big red. . .feet? -Jack W
(Do dragons have feet?)
108. Get rid of the old hag and let's party. -Jason Chosak
(Let's hope the old hag in question isn't the fair maiden's mother!)
109. Fear not, madam. My plate mail is fitted with a quick-release mechanism for just such eventualities... -Matt Denault (Haven't we all been in that situation!)
110. Would you like to play with my monkey, wench? -Sara Schonburg (It's a grower!)
111. Lady, were we in Rorn, I could have your burned as a witch for mesmerizing me the way
you do! -Matt Denault (Okay, I admit it: the only reason I put this one up is because Matt mentioned the word Rorn)
112. Milady, my torch burns for you. Just one smile is fuel enough to cause a blaze. -Robert Zahn (Oh dear. This one is just too romantic. Sniff)
113. Say, baby, I may be no Fred Flintstone, but I'd sure like to make your bedrock. -Chris Rowe
(Strictly speaking this is a Stoneage pick-up line, not a Medieval one, but we like it! So there!)
114. I spent the last three years in a cloister! -Cathe the Maid
(Grift likes this one. He wonders if Cathe still has her nun's outfit handy?)
115. I spend most of my spare time embroidering. Would you like to see what I've done to my petticoats? -Cathe the Maid
116. It appears we've strayed from the road milady....the best thing to do would be to find a sheltered spot and snuggle up for warmth. -Cathe the Maid (Grift likes the sound of Cathe a lot!)
117. Would you like to try on my coat of arms? -Andrew Laska
(Is it just me, or are you waiting for the second half of this one, too?)
118. I like the look of your Rosy Crucians. -Pete (A real groaner!)
119. Tell me, did the blacksmith charge more for the extra metal required for your breastplate?
-Matt Denault
120. Avaast ye there wench and prepare to be boarded! -James Coppedge
(I can almost smell the seaspray!)
121. Milady, the size of a man's dagger is not what counts. It's the number of people that it sticks! -James the Boastful (Grift would like to remind James to focus on quality rather than quantity!)
122. Milady, I do believe you have caused me to invent the first firearm! -Jose Changro
123. My what a big lance you have!!! -Princess Lisa Orr (Grift advises me that this old chestnut would definitely work on him! Flattery never goes out of fashion.)
124. Milady, thou art more lovelier than the gods' sweet nectar...might I have a taste? -anon
125. Dear lady, thy eyes are prettier than the stars, yet like the stars, are out of my reach. I am a man, and thou art a goddess. For me to even gaze upon thy endless beauty, milady, is more than I am worthy of. -anon
126. Such comely armor m'lord, but methinks 'twould look better on my floor. -Erica Clarkson
127. Milady, I have but a few words for you. Listen carefully: +5 Jeweled Condom. -Black Wrath
128. I would stand in battle with eighty heavy horse, slay ten dragons with breath of fire, I would build a tower with golden spire, if thou would grant me sweet desire. -Drew
(Sniff! Oh dear. This is one of those pesky romantic ones again)
129. Why, yes I'm a Norman. Would you like me to invade you? -Justin A. Finnegan
130. What's a nice girl like you doing in a mead hall like this? -Justin A. Finnegan
131. I'm from Sherwood, can I see your forest? -Justin A. Finnegan
132. My name is Little John, but after looking at you, I just might change it. -Justin A. Finnegan
(Grift thinks he could learn a few tricks from Justin!)
133. Verily, I never been unhorsed while jousting; for even should I miss with my lance, I possess certain other...equipment...that does the job nearly as well. -Matt Denault (A shortsword perhaps?)
134. My dear lass, you could straighten the curve in my cross bow. -Lenny Frieling
135. M'lady, you and I could speed up evolution by reproducing. It's for the good of the kingdom!! -Lenny Frieling (This is a good one! It appeals to the Mother Nature in all of us!)
136. Hey baby, you can drain my moat anytime! -Lenny Frieling
(Lenny deserves a prize for this trio. Let's have a whip-round and send him one!)
137. Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to bed we go. -Sarah Flewelling (Yes, this one was actually used on Sarah!)
138. Nay, in all my art I can not conjure a creature as beautiful as you. It wouldn't have a heart, and without your heart what would there be to make love to? -Xerxes (Grift has coined a special phrase for this one: it's a melter! Guaranteed to melt the heart of any fair maiden.)
139. M'lady, do you sleep on your stomach? Can I? -Jon
140. M'lady, how about some spiced apples and a romp in the hay? What's wrong. . . don't like apples? -Jon
141. Madam I must say you're ugly. . .but you interest me. -Jon (he he he. We like Jon's lines a lot!)
142. My pike has won me many battles. Doth thou wish to see it? -Chris Umbreit
(Having reflected at length on Chris' fine offer, I have decided to decline!)
143. Would you like to try out my Staff Of Power? -Joshua Burnett
(please refer to previous comment!)
144. I needeth not a lance to joust with, I carry my own. -Soulburn
(If I hear the word "lance" one more time I swear I will scream!)
145. (Whispering) You think that's big... The rest of it's stored in my Bag of Holding.
-Black Wrath
146. See? You just stick it in, yes, just like that. Then you twist it around, very good, but don't forget to shove it in and out a few times, yes, that's VERY good. Boy, you're a quick learner! And you said you could never learn to use a pike. -Kelly McClanahan
147. Fair Maiden, I have slain fearsome dragons, conquered mighty enemies, and braved unspeakable terrors, but next to a mere fleeting moment basking in thine angelic presence, these triumphs pale such as to disgrace my honor. Dear Lady, wilt thou save my honor and grant thy heavenly companionship to me? -Mark J (Who could turn him down?)
148. Och, lass, do you care to see the real Loch Ness monster? -South
(Too late, already seen Nessie myself!)
149. May I offer thou a castle? -Sir Phillip (Short as this is, I have a feeling it would work on the right girl!)
150. They don't call me Long John for nothing, you know. -Mark S
151. I'd drink a thousand moats dry just to get one look at your lovely face. -Pete
(Looks like Pete might be in need of a long john all his own!)
152. You can turn my spit any day. -Jason Chosak (Watch out for scorched sweetmeats!)
153. Don't blame it on the moonlight, don't blame it on the good times, blame it on the tourney. -Cert (Is it just me, or is anyone else having a 70's flashback right about now?)
154. Why don't you come back to my castle and be my faithful steed for the night?
-Robert Stayner
155. Wouldn't you just love to have another belt in your notch? -Ashlyn
(Grift says: yes. And where might he contact you?)
156. My lady, you've got the best child-bearing hips I've ever seen. Can I buy you a pint? (actually used on me at a Ren fest in Texas. I was in belly dancing garb) -Silona
157. Would you like to come and wield my two-handed sword, milady?
-Tree, High Paladin of Blarg
158. Yes, that was a good hanging wasn't it? Of course, if you come to my place, I can show you something that's really well hung. -The Poet (It seems we're going through a particularly bad patch here!)
159. Milady, didst thou know that the human body is made up of seven tenths water? Verily I am might thirsty... -Ben 'el tiburrn' Knorr
160. Perhaps, oh fairest maiden, you would allow me to quote a few verses of Boccacio to you, privately? -Samildanch the Giant (Grift doesn't understand this one. He has a vague feeling that Boccacio might be Italian bread!)
161. You melt the metal in my armor. -Bob (Watch out for nasty skin burns, Bob!)
162. Have you ever spit shined a lance? -Naes Eknif (Not personally, no.)
163. Would'st thou help to string me longbow, milady? -Anonymous (Yes, but you have to wax it first to make it more pliable!)
164. Greetings and Salutations young lass...I'm a knight you know... and I'm not that bad in the morning either! -Gregory M. Ledet (Grift is not a morning person. So he doesn't care for this one much!)
165. Your armor is so shiny, I can see myself in your pants!!! -Jeff Metcalf (I don't know what it is about this one, but it made everyone here laugh!)
166. Prithee, may I take ye behind the mead hall and check ye for ticks? -Erica Clarkson
(Both Bodger & Grift like this one a lot! Erica would have to spend a whole day de-lousing Bodger!)
167. Do you have any elf in you? Would you like some? -Joshua Burnett
168. Dost thou believe in love at first sight, or shouldst I walk past again? -Dagon
(Oh, Dagon. Very clever. Everyone here thinks this one is a real winner!)
169. Do you think you could find my armor in your land of treasuries...where the greatest treasure of them all undoubtedly is the queen? -Christian Liberg
170. Would you believe me if I told you I'm an angel and God sent me down here on a special mission just to give you a kiss? -Alex Carroll (Another melter. Sigh!)
171. I have faced powerful spirits, magical beasts, and evil men, but 'twas your eyes, milady, which finally smote me. -Al (You don't here the word "smote" nearly enough these days!)
172. If you will take me back to your chambers, Milady, I will show you how us soldiers can stand at attention all night. -Jeremy (Wisely, Jeremy chose not to leave his surname!)
173. Conquest of any foreign land pales in comparison to the conquest of thine heart, Milady.
-Matt Clemans
174. Desire burns in my breast for you, hotter than any dragon's fire. -Matt Clemans
(Two melters in a row!)
175. Pardon me but I seem to have dropped something under your gown. -Dave Brush (I haven't got a clue what this one's about. But I pass it along anyway in the hope of doing a greater good!)
176. Milady, there's enough room in my armor for the both of us. -Don Langguth
177. I've spent the last five years locked in a tower. Would you please welcome me home?
-Don Langguth (Aah. This one is sad)
178. Sweet lady, I'm going off to the Crusades tomorrow. Mayhap you'd like to carry my spear tonight? -Dark God
179. My dear lady, thou art the loveliest creature that God hath ever had the generosity to put on our poor, beleaguered world. Thy radiance far outshines that of the sun, moon, and all the stars in the night sky. Now grab your ankles. -Dark God (Ug!)
180. License my roving hands and let them go. Before, behind, between, below.
-Daniel A. Ford (John Donne? This guy has wheeled out the heavy ammo. Ladies beware!)
181. I'd slay a thousand dragons for one night with you...but since they don't exist we can skip that little formality. -Matthew Velonis
182. Oh, look Milady! A frog! Go over there, bend over and kiss it. I'll be right behind you.
-Edward Ueno
183. My Sweet, let me take you for a magic carpet ride. The carpet may not go anywhere but I doubt you'll notice. -Lord of Mike
(Grift says he's allergic to carpet fibers so this one definitely wouldn't work on him!)
184. So what if I wears a dress? I used to wear kilts as a boy, but I outgrew 'em! -South
(South advises me that that the film Braveheart was the inspiration behind this one!)
185. It's the longest bow that shoots the furthest arrows. -Pete
186. Voulez vous 'Bouncy-Bouncy' dans ma tete? -Bod Of the White Company
(I'm not even sure if that's French, let alone Medieval!)
187. Yeah, other men might slay dragons. But I've got bags of loot. -Pete
(A man of few words, Pete!)
188. Pardon me, madam, but your beauty as caused an involuntary lowering of my drawbridge. If I show you where the handle is can you crank it back up? -Mister Carr
189. My apologies, madam. When you said you needed hot oil I naturally assumed you meant for a massage! -Mister Carr
190. Tar and feather me? Well I'm game, but d'you mind if we get to know each other a bit first?
-Mister Carr
191. Will you meet me in the courtyard at midnight? I'd like to see who's the most beautiful: you or the moonlight. -James Grawling (A melter!)
192. Let me tell you a tale of the holy grail. -Min Stalsitz (Short. I like that in a line!)
193. So you're the lady of the lake? Well don't be surprised if I go fishing some time soon.
-Sir Fitzie
194. Camelot? Well now that you mention it, I did -Sir Fitzie
195. Come with me out onto the battlements, and let's begin a journey of the lifetime with one small, unassuming step. -Andrea S (Thank you, Andrea, for raising the quality!)
196. Actually I prefer to pillage, burn, and then romp. The fire light makes it much more romantic. Got a Match? -Lord Kyle von Hellsbane of the Dred Humor
(...he he he. This guy's smooth. I bet his armor's the shiny sort!)
197. You know, you actually don't smell too bad for a Saxon. -Lord Kyle von Hellsbane of the Dred Humor (You know, you're not the first person to mention that! Thank you!)
198. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you.
-Queen Nancy (No comment! Except to say that I like my fish broiled with a bit of lemon and paprika!)
199. Thine face dost warm mine heart like the breath of a thousand dragons, flaming into the deep night sky. -Crystal Star (Sniff. Crystal you're putting us all to shame with this one. Lovely. Quite lovely.)
200. Is that a new codpiece you're wearing, or are you just happy to see me? -RJK
201. Fair maiden I would gladly clasp you against my body since I am battle weary yet I believe your twin towers would repulse my attack. -Ansie (Sadly, my twin towers have long since fallen!)
202. Do I have protection? What do you think this suit of armor is for. -Kevin 'The Cool Guy' B
(to cover your puny body perhaps?)
203. I'm rich. -Kevin 'The Cool Guy' B (Short, but somehow good all the same. Some lines are just timeless!)
204. Let me take you out for a rat & barley sandwich sometime. -Fyodor (Rat sandwiches are so passe. Wolfgang Puck has already moved on to larger rodents like raccoons and possums. Nothing like a hot rodent on toast!)
205. Come sir, let me take you to my enchanted castle. -Kelli (Grift says he's on the way!)
206. Did you know that I was Cinderella's brother? Yeah, so do you want to make out in the back seat of a pumpkin? -Clint the Troubadour (No thanks, Clint. I'm allergic to all things orange and fleshy!)
207. Why don't you be the buffet on thee round table and let us take want we want? -Rage (Is it just me, or is there a food theme developing here?)
208. Once a king always a king; once a knight tis not enough! -Elexis (Never a truer word said!)
209. If the Gods would grant me into anything of my liking, I'd become your tears. Born in your eyes, live on your cheek and die on your lips. -Jax
(Now this man knows how to romance a woman! A melter if ever I heard one!)
210. I hope you like fireworks because I want this night to end with a bang. -Kerry (Just don't go storing those bangers in your pockets!)
211. My horse isn't the only thing I ride well! -Jamie
(And what might the other thing be we wonder? The train?)
212. Dear Lady, I spoke to the Goddess Freya last night, and she looked just like you.
-Wulf Bjornsson (Wulf assures me this one slays the wenches in his native Scandinavia!)
213. I'm dragon out my heart for you. -Janis & Co (Ooohh...that's bad. That's so bad it's sort of good! Grift groaned for a full ten seconds over this one!)
214. Knights ravaged my houses, kings devoured my crops, archers slew my servants and there are Lions in my bed. . . all while I was thinking of you. I have nothing so, prithy thee, dearest damsel, might I sleep with you tonight? -Justin Jones
(Now, I'm not just saying this because Justin shares the same magnificent last name as me, but this one is GOOD!)
215. My dear lady it is high time we got things straight between us. -Kymberly
(he he he...this one is a grower!)
216. Pardon me milady but I heard that a broadsword is ideal for loosening a knotted corset, and I have a VERY broad sword. -Hemitheus (You know, you're onto something here Hemitheus. My corset's *always* getting knotted!)
217. Hey baby I lost my phone number can I borrow yours. -Deep Quote (And would Deep Quote like to point out to me just what makes this line Medieval? I mean, we're not fussy here. But everyone knows that no one went around calling each other "baby" in those days!)
218. What's that... your horse ran away? You can ride me for a while. -Simon (I'd rather walk!)
219. My good Knight, surely thine legs must be tired, as ye've been running through my mind all day. -Aldwict
220. I may not be Fred Flinstone but I can make the bed rock. -Blake Revels
221. First add the bed, then subtract the clothes, then divide your legs. What does that equal?
-Blake Revels (Odds of 1000:1 against you! See, do I know my Boolean algebra or what?)
222. Mind if I enchant your globes? -Dave (Go right ahead. They're over there in the corner next to my atlas!)
223. Knight to local virgin: I hear that unicorns are terribly pesky creatures. -Adrieane
(I don't understand this one, but I offer it here anyway in the hope that higher intelligences might be able to decipher it!)
224. Wouldth milady like to see my Loch Ness monster? -P Lochrie (Why is there always someone who drags poor Nessie into this. What's she ever done to anyone?)
225. Hey milady would you like some stud smuthered in armor? -Emit Thompson
(Is it just me or is the quality of these lines dropping?)
226. To be used on Gothic types: Didn't I go to your funeral? And: You're pretty cute for a dead chick. -Derek (See, we have pick-ups for every occasion here. Anne Rice fans use at your own discretion!)
227. Milady, I be a fisherman by trade. I got me a bag of Oysters, aye me has. Care to crack some open. -CJ (Only if there's an "R" in the month!)
228. If I had a million boogers I'd still pick you. -Kevin Briancesco (Kevin is a scholar of the Middle Ages and has informed me that the first booger was actually discovered by King Arthur whilst he was kneeling down before his fair Queen Guinevere and gazing lovingly up into her....eyes!)
229. If you've got the oven I've got the loaf. -Jack of Loin
(Hmm...I don't what it is about this one, but I'm feeling hungry again!)
230. Would you like to swash my buckler, Milady? -Jack of Loin (I don't know about swashing your buckler but I'll be glad to wash it for you! My that buckler smells! What is a buckler anyway?)
231. My name is Aethelrydd the Elder... you might want to remember that, because you'll be screaming it all night. -Jane M (...he he he. Now if we could just pronounce Aethelrydd!)
232. You don't smell half as bad as your brother. -Sverre (Nope. I'm not going there. Not even Grift wants to comment on this one!)
233. Hey, wench, you wouldn't happen to have a quiver in which I could store my arrow? -David
234. Not the arrows loosed by archers of skill, nor the flashing swords of warriors true could keep me from returning to you, my Lady. -David (A melter! About time we had another one!)
235. Like the Spanish Inquisition, no one expects me, but when I come, you'll never forget it.
-Andee
236. Man and woman in small boat. Woman looks at man: "Nice dingy." -Nick Albright
(I've never liked sailing much!)
237. Nice rack! -Beemer (Thank you. I got it from the Marquis DeSade. There's hardly any blood on it)
238. I'm the King, wanna play with my Excalibur? -Lady Guinevere (Gwen says some guy actually said this to her. Sadly, she didn't mention whether or not it worked!)
239. Let's play army. You lay down and I'll blow you away. -Alex
(Not if I launch my offensive first you won't!)
240. Don't be lifting the kilt -- unless you plan to be under it later. -Lady J
(At last! At last! Something with the word "kilt" in it!)
241. Och, lassie, you've a body t'wod stretch the pleats out o' a Scotsman's kilt. -Scot Campbell
(It's a Kilt-a-thon!)
242. Hi! I'm new in town. Can I have directions to your house? -Reggie
(Sure. It's the one right next door to Ye Olde Police Station!)
243. If I said something about your your Breastplate, would you hold it against me? -MarZ
(Sure, but I should warn you, it's got eight inch spikes on it!)
244. I've had my plague test. -Meryem
(he he he...we like this one a lot. Sadly Grift failed his. I wondered what that big boil was on his leg!)
245. May I buy you a drink milady? Or would you just prefer the money later? -Dave B
246. Pardon me, M'Lady, thy melons look ripe enough, but I'll have to pinch them to make sure. -Devin (Bodger says he doesn't like melons. He had a bad experience with them when he was a boy!)
247. The only thing thine eyes haven't told me is thy name. -Sir Chuck
248. Say there. What say you and I go back to my place and pillage in the sack?
-Adam Frank Carlson (No thank you! I gave up pillaging years ago. Terrible for my back!)
249. As morning hues of sunswept fire caress your passionate face, alone with thee, pure desire, to worship untold grace, my heart would cry in silent prayer to hours swept apart, your essence warms the evening air as I dance into your heart. -Mike Z (Why can't all the guys be like this? Sigh!)
250. Druid: You and I could do some really powerful magic together in the grove m'lady.
-Phoenix (Grift says he likes to do his rollickin' in a grove. Good for shade!)
251. Pardon me m'lady, does thou servest loins here? No? Then I'll gladly let thou tryest mine.
-John the Bard (Would they be pork or beef? Must be kosher about this.)
252. Hey baby, want to play lion? You kneel right there and I'll throw you my meat. -Michelle H
(Am I the only one who thinks Michelle should get together with John the Bard?)
253. Excuse me, are you the impaler? Oh, well you could start by impaling me? -Callisto
(Grift says he never impales on a full stomach!)
254. My, that's a big lance you have there. But do you know how to use it? -Venus
(Grift says he took advanced classes!)
255. If you were a village, I would plunder your bounty, smother you in oil and set you on fire.
-Philip Morris (Hey! That might hurt!)
256. Now that the plague is over, why don't we go back to my castle and work on repopulation?
-Kelly (...he he he. Grift likes this one!)
257. After having gazed upon thine eyes, I have lost all interest in the stars for they cannot compare to thee! -Gil (Phew! We needed something to improve the tone!)
258. That is a very nice cloak, m'lord, may I see what's underneath it? -Violet Tigress
(Grift says, Yes! Hang on while he oils his smalls!)
259. Oh,my dear! Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me? -Merrick FoxMeyer
260. Was your Father King for a day? He must have been to make a princess like you!
-Merrick FoxMeyer
261. M'lady,you know you might be asked to leave soon, you are making all the other women look bad! -Merrick FoxMeyer
262. Are you lost ma'am? Because Heaven's a long way from here! -Merrick FoxMeyer
263. You'd better watch out; your kisses are a crime waiting to happen! -Merrick FoxMeyer
(Grift doesn't think he can teach Merrick anything. In fact he's wondering how Merrick finds time to write, what with all the wenches he must be picking-up with these beauties!)
264. It's your lucky day, I shower once every few months, and you've caught me at a time when I feel ESPECIALLY dirty. -Jake Houpt (Someone turn on the hose!)
265. Who knows, the plague may hit tomorrow, so how bout we do a spot of rollickin' tonite?
-Jake Houpt (I've given it some serious thought, and I think I'll take my chances with the plague!)
266. Have you ever tripped over a tree? How 'bout a root? -Angie
(Here's another one that eludes me completely!)
267. I have been all over the world; I have been around the Spice Island, matched wits with Ptolmey, killed a dragon, and faced the the sirens call but that wasn't as charming as you.
-Andrew Kirsop (Odysseus? Hmm...now wasn't he married? And Greek?)
268. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up? -Kandy
(Grift says he's there! But he wonders whether or not the lovely Kandy can take his weight!)
269. Robin may have stole from the rich and gave to the poor, but I steal from all and horde to myself. -Perv of Naughtyham (Refreshingly truthful! I like it!)
270. Woman, get over here!!! -Mike L
(...he he he. Mike advises me that this one works especially well in Scotland!)
271. Do ye know who penned the Book of Love? It was I -- and thou were the inspiration!
-Shawna Joy (Grift says this is one of his favorites. Incidentally, he wanted me to let you know that he was the male model for the Kama Sutra in a former life!)
272. May I see the tag upon your garb? Ah yes....made in heaven! -Shawna Joy
(Sigh! A melter of the First Order!)
273. Male Bard to Female Bard: We could make beautiful music together. -Daniel
274. If thou wouldst tarry with me through just 5 pints of strong ale. Thy stench of soured milk woudst be of no travail. -Alrick
(We don't know what it is about this one, but it grossed everyone here out. Sour milk? Eeew!)
275. Beam me up Scotty, the wenches down here are starting to smell! -Mark McCloud
(Is it just me or is this whole thing starting to make you a bit nauseous?)
276. I'm on a five-year mission, to boldly go where no man has gone before. You DID say you're a virgin, didn't you? -Robin (Anyone else getting a Shatner flashback right about now?)
277. Merlin gave me three wishes, m'lady. Wanna play with the biggest? -Mark McCloud
278. I work down in the shipyard, plugging holes on the ships that come in. So why don't you let me plug one of yours? -Robin (No thanks. I'd rather sink!)
279. They say to never judge a book by its cover. So why don't we take off your coverings, and let me judge you in the morning? -Robin (Sorry, Judge Ito has already done that!)
280. M'lady, I was enraptured at the mere cogitation of being under such felicity that I might manifestly potare from thine bodily fountain as God surely partook of thou before he set thee free of his embrace. -Christopher V
(Grift urges Chris to spend less time with the Thesaurus and more time with the wenches!)
281. Man: "Excuse me I was just wondering did it hurt?" Lady: "Did what hurt?" Man: "When you fell from heaven, did it hurt?" -Mike (Sniff! This is just too romantic!)
282. Is that a bottle of Windex in your armor, because I can see myself in it. -Stephanie
(Grift says he shines his with elbow grease alone!)
283. I be the lord of this manor. Wouldst thou like to marry one of my peasants? -GNix
(Peasants? No. But Grift says he'll eat one of your pheasants!)
284. I laid eyes upon you and my heart was smitten. Without your warming touch my soul grows frost bitten. Now please remove your skirt so I may play with your kitten. -Seth R
(Grift says no one's playing with his cat! And anyway, the rumors about him wearing a skirt are all false!)
285. My nose ring seems to be caught in your bodice. -Adam M
(Grift has this problem ALL the time! He says olive oil helps!)
286. Scuse me Madam, you seem to have something that belongs to me...My heart. -Adam M
287. I lost my night watchman, will you sleep with me? -Rebecca Sickmind
(Even Rebecca doesn't know what this one means! And she sent it!)
288. So I'm a dragon and you're a damsel, may I eat you now? -Trollz
289. Milady, I'm looking for a holy missionary, would thou like to apply for the "position"?
-Xaddax (Pretty clever!)
290. Milady, If you were a castle, I would flood your moat. -Xaddax
291. Milady, I seem to have had too much mead, would thy help me back to my hovel? -Xaddax
292. Elves don't just have pointy *ears*. -Sean
293. I’m no minstrel, yet thou maketh my heart sing. -Jem
294. Worry not, M'lady. For whilst you are singularly unattractive, sheer desperation has clouded my judgment. -Jem
295. Your father must be a baker - no one else could have made buns like those. -Sean
(As you can see we're getting close to the bottom of ye olde barrel!)
296. My love, for all the brief time we have been together, I have yearned for you. I have watched with jealousy and rage as you bestowed your smile and affections on others. Long have I waited for the day in which I might turn your heart towards me. It was only with the greatest of self-control that I restrained myself until I could prove a worthy suitor for that most precious of gems.

If you would but consent to be my wife, I would be your abject slave, asking only that I might bask in the glory of your smile and the tenderness of your touch. I would pledge to make eternity seem but a moment of time with the depth of my love. I would have the stars spell out your name, though they are but a pale comparison of your beauty. I would have the birds sing out in joy for every smile you bestowed upon me. The very land would carpet itself in sweet grass and flowers for you to walk upon, if you would but consent to be my wife.

The finest of wines sour when compared to the taste of you lips. The sweetest of rose wilt with shame when likened to the scent of your skin. Silk is course when placed next to the texture of your hair. Were you to deny me the honor of being your husband, I would waste away till naught remained of me but a shriveled heart beating out eternity in pain and despair. -Dana (Quite beautiful. Dana says she would fall for it, and I know I would. So come on men! We need more romance.)
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Bodger's Factfile

While still busy constructing the foundations of this very page, Bodger was kind enough to take some time out to share a few personal facts about himself, thus giving us a better idea of the kind of guy he is (though he later admitted he only agreed to do it for the free beer).

We hope to hear from Bodger's colleague, Grift, in the next few weeks and learn all there is to know about him (though he's currently holding out for two beers and a bag of nuts).

Bodger
Name: Bodger
Rhymes with: Lodger
Favourite food: Anything on the cob
Favourite wading bird: The grebe
Favourite body part: My right earlobe
Least used body part: My right earlobe
Favourite body part of someone else: The nick of Widow Harpit's knee. She can crack open hazelnuts with it!
Lifelong ambition: To pick up a wench
If I wasn't a castle guard I'd be: Sober
Favourite activity: Guarding the women's middens
Least favourite activity: Guarding the men's middens
Mother always said: Be good, be honest and be back before dawn. Now bugger off and leave me alone!
Father always said: Eh?
If I could be like anyone it would be: Just like Grift. There's nothing that man doesn't know about women