Now, I don't know (nor particularly care) about your opinion, but here seems as good a place as any to step back from the mundanities of cooking and impart some of my vast storage-house of knowledge. Like all great men I have philosophical and moral codes that I live by, and I have chosen to honor you with a few of them:

Guard your ham hocks at all times.

Tis better to eat than to cook.

Never let a day go by without bringing a little pain to someone's life.

Never whistle with blancmange in your mouth.

Avoid soup in the basket

When in doubt: eat.

Two courses never a full meal make.

Never eat between eels.

You may desert all your friends but never leave your friend with your dessert

You don't have to be pregnant to eat for two.

Never milk a bull.

A friend in need is irritating at dinner.

Well that's enough of that. All this thinking has made me hungry. Someone pass me the cheese and crackers. Ah...that's better. Now, where was I? Yes, now before we move on to the next recipe, a quick word about fruit and vegetables.

The only good fruit is one that is garnishing a large piece of red meat. The only good vegetable is an artichoke (anything named after a violent gripping action to the throat can't be all bad).

Tavalisk Cooking Tip # 3

When attending a wine-tasting, always pay special attention to where you spit. If there is no one around, hold it in until someone walks by. Why waste a nice gob-full of acidic saliva on the floor?

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