Bodger & Grift On Horse Dung
"I tell you, Grift, being at the back of the wagon train is the worst thing. All we do all day is walk through piles of horse dung."
"Aye, Bodger. I know what you mean, but horse dung has its uses."
"What uses are those, Grift?"
"It can stop a woman from getting with child, Bodger."
"How does it work, Grift? Does it stop your seed from hitting the mark?"
"No, Bodger. Once it's up there it smells so bad that it puts a man right off. Ain't nothing like not doing it for ensuring you won't become an unwilling father."
Bodger & Grift on Matters of Quantity and Bacon
"That's where master Gullip makes his mistake, Bodger."
"What mistake is that, Grift?"
"Well he's right that nobles do have more quantity of rollickin, but us commoners have better quality."
"So nobles ain't as good with the wenches then, Grift?"
"Take it from me, Bodger, the commoner the man, the better he is at pleasuring the wenches. No one pleasures the wenches better than a pig handler."
"A pig handler?"
"Aye, the lowest of the low, but always sought after by he wenches."
"I though the wenches sought after the pig handlers for the bacon, Grift."
"You've got much to learn, Bodger."
Bodger & Grift On A Man's Proportions
"No, Bodger, the way to tell if a man's well hung, ain't the size of his kneecaps."
"Old Master Pesk say's it is, Grift."
"The reason why old Pesk say's that is because he's got kneecaps the size of watermelons."
"They are unusually big, Grift, I can't argue with that."
"No, Bodger, the way to tell if a man is truly well hung, is to look at the whites of his eyes."
"The whites of his eyes!"
"Aye, the whites of his eyes, Bodger. The whiter the eye, the bigger the pole. It's right every time."
Bodger & Grift On Body Hair
"No, Bodger, there's only one way to tell if a woman has a passionate nature and it ain't the size of her orbs." Grift leant back against the wall, arms folded behind his head in the manner of one about to impart valuable knowledge.
"How can you tell then, Grift?" Bodger drew close, in the manner of one about to accept such knowledge.
"Body hair, Bodger. The hairier the woman the more passionate the nature. Take old widow Harpit - she's got arms as hairy as a goat's behind and you won't find a randier woman anywhere."
"Widow Harpit's not much to look at though, Grift. She's got more hair on her upper lip than I have."
"Exactly, Bodger! A man would count himself lucky to bed her." Grift smiled mischievous and took a long draught of ale. "What about your Nelly? How hairy is she?"
"My Nelly has arms as smooth as freshly turned butter."
"You won't be getting much then, Bodger!"
Bodger & Grift on the Benefits of Keeping Your Shirt On
"No, Bodger, just because you tumble a wench when it's raining doesn't mean that she won't get knocked up."
"But Master Trout swears by it. He says that it's a sure method to stop a girl from getting with child."
"The only reason Master Trout has never got a wench with child is that no sane woman would ever let him near her."
"He is a bit past it, Grift."
"Aye, Bodger. There's only one method to ensure a wench doesn't get knocked up and it ain't rollickin' her in the rain."
"What is it then, Grift?"
"The way to stop a girl getting knocked up is by making sure you never rollick her in the nude."
"What the woman?"
"No, you fool, the man. Be sure to always keep your shirt on, Bodger, and you'll never be an unwilling father."
Bodger & Grift On Curing Delicate Conditions
"No, Bodger, there's only one cure for the ghones and it ain't soaking your privates in boiling water."
"Master Frallit swears it's the only way, Grift."
"Well there's little doubt that Master Frallit has need of a cure, Bodger. I'm pretty sure he hasn't tried boiling his privates though, if he had we'd be calling him Mistress Frallit by now."
"So what's the proper cure then, Grift?"
"The only way for a man to rid himself of the ghones is for him to rub his privates with virgin's water every day for a week."
"Virgin's water, Grift?"
"Aye Bodger, of course the difficult bit is actually finding a virgin."
"I would have thought getting the virgin to water for you would be more difficult, Grift."